The Willingness to Discover Your Core: Healing Relationships Through IFS and Deeper Connection

THE WILLINGNESS TO DISCOVER YOUR CORE

Relational healing will always ask you to go a layer deeper. Relational healing is complex but we don’t have to make it be as complex as we think. The key characteristic needed is the willingness to go a layer deeper. If you are willing and curious about the layers underneath your or your partner’s immediate reactions, you begin to touch into the true emotions. The true emotions are that which you desire at your core. What do you relationally desire at your core?


REACTING VS RESPONDING

In relationship of any kind, we are in constant interaction with world and we can react to what is in front of us or we can respond.

Re-ACT:

originating from the latin word reagere - β€œto do back, to act in return.” To react, we are operating from an instictive place. The origin often stems from our programming and our learned behaviors to protect ourselves and our basic needs of love, safety, purpose and belonging. Reacting tends to originate from emotions.


Re-SPOND:

originating from the the old french word respondre - β€œto answer”, and old latin word respondΔ“re - meaning β€œto pledge” or β€œto promise in return.” To respond, we are asked to answer again and to pledge ourselves again. In this promise, there is a rooting into integrity and to do so, it asks one to pause and take re-sponsibility. There is a connection to responsibility in our response.

In order to go a layer deeper, you become willing to see past the reaction to see the root. The root is the place you can respond from. Reactions do not root into the core desire. Reactions are what instinctually derives from the surface-level protectors. These protectors have served the inner child’s basic needs of love, safety, purpose and belonging. We must understand and show compassion for our desire to react in protection. Reactions are teachers. Yet, healing happens when we become willing to go the layer deeper and take responsibility for the root of the reaction β€” to get to know the core so that we can respond.


Responding and IFS Part’s Work

Therefore, true response must be connected to an awareness of our parts. In IFS (parts work), we recognize that there are parts of self that play special roles in our survival: managers, exiles, firefighters and the self. In order to ease one’s reactivity, getting to know these parts is critical. So, ask yourself:

  • What parts of me manage the pain present in my inner world and in my life?

    • How do these managers show up? What manifestation do they take on? What role do they play?

    • Example:

  • What parts of me are exiled, or have I exiled, in order to survive?

    • How has this trauma/challenge been a teacher for me? How has exiling it served me? How have I interacted with these exiles β€” consciously (suppression) vs. unconsciously (repression)?

    • Example:

  • What parts of me are firefighters β€” utilizing these parts to defend when the exiles present themselves?

    • How have these parts come to my rescue? What firefighters are healthy and which ones may be less supportive to my wellbeing?

    • Example:

  • What parts of me are my self β€” at my core expression, underneath the protections?

    • How do I express this true self? When does the self get to be safely expressed? How do I create safety for this part?

    • Example:

The Layer Deeper in Relationship Presentations

Relationships go through challenging externalizations of core pains. As described above, when the managers, exiles, and firefighters are hard at work, it creates more space for relational resistance, tension, projection, disillusionment β€” and overall, negative or unehalthy patterning to be bred and expressed. Over time, if these protector parts of self are standing at the forefront all the time, relationships become built on a foundation with the protectors (the mangers, exiles, or firefighters) vs. the true self.

β€œIf you aren’t creating a relationship with your true self at the forefront, expect to feel a fragility within your relationship’s attachment.” -Rachel Jackson, MA MFT

In order to build secure attachment, you must become curious.

Here is what to do if you are experiencing the following presentations:

PUSHING AWAY: If you or your partner are pushing away the other, know what is underneath this is a desire to be pulled closer. You and your partner both want to be wanted β€” it is natural. Being wanted is a necessary trait to keep your relationship in tact and your connection strong. Instead of feeling shame for wanting to be close to your partner and then pushing away out of vulnerability, can you name the desire? (It may soften your partner in all the right ways!)

DISENGAGING: If you or your partner is disengaging, know what is underneath this is a desire to be more acknowledged. The masculine in us (this is gender neutral as we all have masculine energy that is calling to be expressed) wants to be seen and recognized. When one disengages, they likely want to be acknowledged verbally to be validated and shown their efforts are seen.

FIGHTING: If you or your partner is fighting, first, resistance is healthy in any relationship. Yet, HOW you fight is a defining factor. When a couple is fighting, what is often needed instead is a safe, co-created space to be held. If fighting is done in a healthy way, it can and is designed to always be an invitation into deeper connection. If you and your partner want to learn how to fight healthily, reach out for a free consultation to work with me.

β€œFighting is designed to always be an invitation to deeper connection.” -Rachel Jackson, MA MFT (Yet, the couple must know how to fight in a healthy way.)

CONTROL: If you or your partner is utilizing control in the relationship, one is attempting to test the relationship to find safety. Control is purely a safety tactic. Notice the role of fear in your relationship and see if you can get curious about the fear with your partner. Safety in relationship is key β€” it is the foundation to any and all good things.

WITHDRAWAL: If you or your partner is withdrawing, it comes from a deeper desire to be pursued. This is referred to as the pursue-withdrawal cycle, traditionally stemming from Dr Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (read Dr. Scott Woolley’s perspective here from The Gottman Institute.) Many anxious attached individuals partner with an avoidant attached individual. Opposites attract and there is a law of balance in all relationships. When you want to pull away, maybe you can recognize your innate and valid desire to be pursued.

NAGGING & CRITICISM: If you or your partner is nagging or criticizing the other, it comes from a desire to feel genuinely adored. This outer shell that is hardened forms when we are lacking the feminine nurturing energy of comfort, love and warmth. Instead of addressing your partner with critiques, can you instead ask them to love on you? Your hardness toward them likely won’t get you the softness that you crave in return.

CHEATING: If you or your partner is cheating or exploring a sexual or emotional connection outside of the relationship, note that there is an unmet need being overlooked. We look externally when we feel our true desires are not accessible within the relationship’s container. Look within. Under the desire to cheat, is a true desire to be fully chosen for all that you are.

YELLING & SCREAMING: If you or your partner is yelling or screaming, it is coming from a place of not feeling heard. The inner voice only knows how to make sense of not being heard by trying to get louder in hopes that it will equate to being heard more or finally getting your partner to listen. We tend to amplify things as humans in hopes to illuminate the unmet need. Even though screaming tends to lead to disengagement of the other partner or more chaos, underneath it is a simple innate desire to be heard. Can you soften?

I hope you feel encouraged to go a layer deeper in your relationship. Seek to understand. Find the courage to respond versus react. Soften to the parts of you that want to run, hide, attack, or freeze. You are loved.

If you resonate with this blog, it is a huge support to me to comment and share it with those around you.

If you are in a relationship and are looking to return to love: guidetobe.com/the-relationship-audit

πŸŽ₯ Watch the Video about The Relationship Audit’s Frequently Asked Questions

πŸ“² Check out this Post on Instagram // Instagram Reel

πŸ“… For those looking to finally find secure attachment within, schedule your Free 30-Minute Consultation with me today

β€”

🌟 My 1:1 Perfectionism Metamorphosis Membership For the high-achiever who’s done with burnout cycles and ready to root into grounded self-worth and secure attachment with themselves.

❀️ My Couples Relationship Audit Program For partners ready to break old attachment cycles and build lasting intimacy, clarity, and emotional safety within the co-created container of sacred partnership.


Next
Next

The Root is Love: A Critical Reframe of all of Relational Pain