What if the fighting was really rooted in love?

Your fights are not rooted in the anger you think they are. Under the desire to push away is a deeper desire to be pulled closer. So, instead of blaming and defending, can we begin to remind our partner’s that it all stems from love?

A desire for love, a grasping for love, a lack of love.

Couple’s come to me with these patterns that feel so complex to them and yes, relational patterns are inherently complex due to each individual bringing in their own unique mosaic of life experiences and past programming patterns. However, we can make the healing more simple. We do so by reminding our systems that it all stems from a desire for more love.

When you can turn to your partner who is yelling… pause, take a deep breath and say,

“Hey, are you just wanting to feel more connected to me, seen by me, loved by me, presence from me, intimacy with me?”

After a pause, it is likely that the walls can drop, the anger can be transformed into softness, and connection can be restored.

This can go for any painful projection of love wanting to be felt.

The Connection to The Innate Inner Child Needs

We are all just our inner child’s — in pain, feeling neglected, experiencing pressure, and a LOT of society just can’t quite get that basic need of BELONGING. The inner child needs to feel safe. They need to feel loved. They need to feel seen. Their basic needs need to be met physically, yes. Yet, also, the deeper emotional attunement and presence is needed, as well. This emotional safety can often get overlooked.

If there was not a foundation of trust built for the inner child, one will have presentations of love that get distorted as anger, withdrawal, clinging, control, etc. Thus, in order to be in healthy relationship, it is critical we get to the root of these sideways expressions and start asking for the safety of the love we all deserve.

The projections of Pain

Love gets projected as the following presentations when it doesn’t know how to process unresolved pain. Here’s what you can do about it to heal your relational patterns:

1️⃣ ANGER: which needs the love an nurturing of the healthy feminine in order to soften the rigid, shadow masculines expression of anger — explore the relationship with a mother caregiver or the role-modeling of a male figure.

2️⃣ ADDICTION: which needs safety to feel pleasure — slow down the nervous system and provide the inner child’s the play it didn’t feel safe or permission to experience.

3️⃣ CRITICISM: which needs balance and equality — one needs to feel celebrated for its gifts and seen for its contribution in a genuine way to ease their outer shell.

4️⃣ WITHDRAWAL: which needs to release pent up emotions with a safe person who will hold them & meanwhile, creating safety in the body to hold that which feels “too much.”

5️⃣ ABUSE: which needs to eradicate all the places that have become restricted inside to return back to embodied “bigness” without spilling and projecting one’s internal smallness onto others through force. **Call the hotline number for support if you are experiencing any form of abuse 800-799-7233.

6️⃣ HYPERFIXATION: which needs to be held and heard — one will benefit from a safe container (they need a healthy and structured vessel) to verbally express followed by physical touch co-regulation or somatic breathwork to build safety in the body.

7️⃣ CONTROL: which needs to feel softened by the embrace of all parts of themselves — without judgement or shame — this individual will benefit from calling their power back to their own actions within.

TIPS FOR COMING BACK TO LOVE

When we present with control, anger, criticism, addiction, withdrawal, abuse, hyperfixation and more — we really need to pause. We are acting out of LACK. If we can get the nervous system to regulate (the inner child to regulate), then we will have more access to the root of love.

Here is what I recommend for your relationship, if you are noticing one of these patterns,:

Engage in the 20-minute rule:
- Take 20 minutes of solo-regulation time to tend to your desire for love and providing presence to yourself versus demanding it from your partner. You in your regulated state will give you true access and more access to understanding in your partnership.
  - Check out the Free Communication Masterclass to learn more
Create and try a co-regulation activity:
- Choose an activity, such as:
  - Something with hand-eye coordination to sooth the nervous system and both hemispheres of the brain (ie. artistic crafts, writing/journaling, cleaning, stretching or yoga, breathwork, etc),
  - Non-verbal extended touch like a long hug, cuddling, 4-7-8 or Box Breathing with a hand on each other’s knees
  - Get into nature together or alone to be in the presence of stillness (without your technology)
Consider working with a coach or therapist to identify these root patterns
- It is typical that you either learned these presentations of “love” or your inner child coped with them due to the unmet needs of your childhood. To break these patterns, you must break the neural pathways that automatically trigger to utilize them (ie. turn on control, turn on food craving, turn on need for alcohol, turn on abusive outbreak) and rewire to your new chosen act that stems from love
  - Purchase the Go-To Communication Guide ($22) for how to respond differently vs. resorting to your old relational patterns

Again, don’t forget: Under all relationship disfunction, is love.

Under all fights, are a desire to return to more love. Under all communication roadblocks, are unmet inner child needs for love.

If you resonate with this blog, comment and share. If you are in a relationship and are looking to return to love: guidetobe.com/the-relationship-audit

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