Why Holding Back in Dating Creates Insecurity: The Truth About Authentic Communication and Attachment

It’s Not “Too Soon” to be Honest: How Fear of “Asking Too Much” Undermines Real Connection

The Modern Dating Paradox

Modern dating encourages us to be “chill.”
Don’t ask too much. Don’t show too soon. Don’t care too visibly.

We’ve all heard it — or said it ourselves:

“I don’t know if I can ask that yet.”
“It’s too soon.”
“That might scare them off.”
“It’s only been two dates.”
“I don’t want to seem needy.”

You’ve come to the right place because this blog is your dating advice for secure attachment.

We’re told that mystery is attractive, that ease is sexy, and that vulnerability — at least in the beginning — is risky. So, we play it cool. We hold back. We wait for the right moment to ask the questions that actually matter. Why? Because everyone is so fixated on this idea of “the chase.”

But here’s the paradox: the very behaviors we use to protect connection often prevent it from ever forming. When we silence our curiosities, downplay our needs, or delay the truth in the name of not “scaring someone off,” we trade short-term comfort for long-term confusion. We trade this quick excitement for future rejection. AND trust me, it hurts more than less. So, maybe it’s time to try a new (more authentic) approach?

As a society, in large part due to the increase of instant gratification with online dating, we’re playing this game of fishing. We want to lure them in and dangle this bait in front of them without showing them our true intention, or frankly, the truth of who we are and what we want at our core.

So, enough with the games. Show your cards. I’ll share more about why this is so critical in the long run.

Inauthenticity Disguised as “Timing”

When we say, “It’s not the right time to ask that,” we’re often disguising fear as patience for the connection to unravel. Trust me: I’ve been there too.

It’s not that the timing is wrong — it’s that the vulnerability feels risky. We don’t want to be the one who cares first, asks more, or reveals too much. We worry about being labeled clingy, intense, or high-maintenance.

Yet, all things we grow from take risk. Risk takes courage. And, if I have learned anything from guiding couples therapy and learning about relational dynamics in graduate school, it is that: love feels like risk. Love cannot exist without some level of fear.

Getting Serious: You Are Not A Curated Charcuterie Spread

Avoiding authentic conversations doesn’t create emotional safety — it creates performance. It builds a relationship where both people are trying to look ready rather than be real. It gives your partner pieces of you versus all of you — which will always withhold you from the depth of feeling seen, heard, understood, and unconditionally loved the way we all desire.

You cannot unconditionally love someone that is not allowing you to see all of them. Unconditional love is meant to embrace wholeness—not perfectly curated charcuterie spreads of what you assume is desirable, without giving them a chance to hold you fully.

So many people say, “I’m ready for a serious relationship.” But: define serious.

Does seriousness hide authenticity? Does seriousness run from the tough questions? Does seriousness resist emotional intimacy?

True timing isn’t measured in weeks or dates; it’s measured in honesty, devotion, and commitment. It doesn’t mean you commit to someone right away. It means you commit to the process of surrendering to the act of dating as a blooming flower. You must let your petals be seen. You can’t stay closed forever. If two people are willing to bloom and let the other person see the bloom-ed, radiant, expressive version of themselves—then, you know what you’re really getting. You’re able to discern if you’re attracted to their authentic essence… not hoping you like who they are 6 months down the road, 1 year down the road, 10 years down the road.

Anxious attachment and avoidant attachment patterns will not be eradicated until you root into security with all parts of yourself so that you even have the wholeness—the capacity—to hold all parts and the beautiful wholeness of your partner or potential partner. Thus, never forget, secure attachment starts within.

Don’t Date Potential

In fact, this is a large aspect of dating: Dating for their potential. Due to the challenges around vulnerability in today’s day and age, people who “struggle” dating and feel hopeless often settle for the qualities that work for them—knowing that they want “more” but shameful for desiring more in the first place.

The amount of times I have heard, “Maybe I am asking for too much,” is absurd.

There is so much shame in desire when desire is our soul’s birthright to have the opportunity for its fullest expression of magic.

When shame arises, what this shows is people aren’t feeling worthy of their dream relationships. And, thus, if they aren’t able to claim their desire, they are limiting themselves from ever obtaining it.

Reminder: We are energy. Tune yourself to the energy of, “my desired are too much,” and you’ll attract people that feel unable and unwilling to meet them. Tune to the energy of, “relationships are beautiful and I am worthy and oh, so excited to experience the full range of what a relationship can be,” and the universe will provide you energetic matches to that belief system.

What you focus on grows. So, as you’re dating, if you’re wondering about something, if it matters to your emotional safety, that’s already the right time to ask. The relationship will only grow to the level of (both of) your willingness to show your most authentic self(ves).

The Myth of “Too Much” (or not enough)

“Too much” is one of the most damaging stories people carry into dating.

We internalize the idea that expressing needs, preferences, or feelings too early will push someone away. But being honest about what you need doesn’t make you “too much.” It makes you clear. It’s actually attractive to a secure person. It shows them the discernment and rootedness that you have in your desire.

Tell me what’s sexier than that? It’s contagious. It’s inspiring.

Rooted confidence is not off-putting. It’s magnetic—not to be shamed.

On the contrary to “too much-ness,” when one operates out of feeling “not enough,” they effort to grasp for attention. In this grasping they try to find this “perfect” sweet spot where they are seen more but not seen too much (because after not feeling seen for most of their life, their nervous system’s likely will dysregulate if they get a secure version of the attentiveness and attunement they’ve always desired. Ooof, reach out to me for more on this or comment if you want a full blog on this topic). In this teeter-tottering in an energetic tug of war, they lose themselves. They will find themselves completely disconnected from their authenticity, dissociated from their bodies, and unable to maintain partnership or connection. Thus, rooting into your worth is our #1 priority when dating.

Nonetheless, let’s get back to it. When you say what matters to you, you give the other person a chance to meet you authentically — or to reveal that they can’t and that they don’t have capacity for that level of true expression. This isn’t a rejection of you, its a rejection of their own authenticity. Both outcomes are valuable. It provides direction or redirection.

The truth is, emotional compatibility isn’t built through pretending to need less. It’s built through mutual capacity — two people willing to handle each other’s honesty without fear or punishment.

Authenticity and Secure Attachment

Secure attachment doesn’t grow from perfect pacing. It grows from consistent honesty. There is no rule book to dating. There is no must do’s or must don’ts.

When you edit yourself to maintain peace or shame yourself thinking you could have done something “wrong”, you teach your nervous system that love requires suppression and caution. You learn that safety depends on silence and censorship. Over time, that silence turns into resentment, disconnection, hypervigilance and anxiety.

Authenticity — saying what you feel, asking what you need, sharing where you stand — is how you test whether emotional safety exists in the first place. It’s how you create a bond that can actually hold two real, imperfect humans.

Try it. The only thing you risk is not knowing what the full expression of love and embrace with another person can be like and feel like.

Practical Ways to Bring More Authenticity Into Your Connections

1. Reframe vulnerability as data.
   Instead of thinking “I’m scaring them off,” think “I’m gathering information.” Lead with curiosity about the connection versus attachment to the outcome. If honesty pushes someone away, that’s clarity, not a failure.

2. Use “this matters to me” language.
   When you express something that feels vulnerable, frame it around care instead of fear.

“This feels important to share because it matters to me,”
sets a different tone than,
“I know this might be too much.”

When you share parts of yourself without apology, it shows security in yourself. It shows the person that you don’t feel ashamed about it. It says, “I want you to get to know me and I don’t need to hold back.”

1. Check your motivation before holding back.
   When you hesitate to ask something, pause and ask yourself:

“Am I protecting the connection — or am I protecting my fear of rejection?”
If it’s the latter, that’s a sign the question deserves space.

Sometimes we hold back because we don’t think someone will receive this part of us. This either points to an energetic disconnect/misalignment with that person (our body’s signaling disconnect) or it points to our own self-restraint from closeness we desire (our self-perpetuated protection mechanism out of fear of rejection or abandonment).

It is incredibly important to decipher if we are restricting ourselves from opening our heart. So, get honest with yourself and soften the edges of your heart so that you can be discerning.

1. Practice “truth in small doses.”
   Authenticity doesn’t mean oversharing everything at once. It means staying aligned with yourself moment by moment. Not leaking your energy. Containing it and offering it with intentional expression: in manageable, honest pieces — enough to stay real without overwhelming your own nervous system. Prioritize safety in your system.

2. Notice who meets you with curiosity.
   Finally, pay attention to how someone responds to your openness. Do they listen, validate, engage? Or do they withdraw, minimize, or deflect? Their response tells you whether the connection has emotional safety or just chemistry. Their response tells you their capacity to hold and embrace the fullness of who you are. Their response tells you their dedication to how they meet themselves, as well. Be observant, not judgmental. Tune into your intuition, not your logic. Be connected to your heart, not living in the past or the future.

   Be here now. Connection can only happen here.

Closing: Love Can’t Breathe Through Pretending

At its core, intimacy is not built on mystery — it’s built on truth.

When we hold back to seem easier, quieter, or more desirable, we don’t preserve connection; we prevent it because we are only creating it on a foundation of parts of us, not all of us. Every time you shrink a truth to keep someone close, you create a version of yourself that love can’t fully reach.

Your inner child is shut down here. You’re severing parts of yourself. Your system cries in anger for your own self-denial of your wholeness.

The right connection doesn’t require you to earn your place by being perfect. The right connection is all about authentic communication and genuine self-expression. It meets you where you are, welcomes your honesty, and grows stronger through your truth.

So the next time you think, “It’s too soon to ask that,” remember:

The only wrong time to be authentic is never.

The people that are meant for you want your unapologetic, raw, real self.

For dating tips and a deeper dive, schedule a free 30-minute call with me and explore if The Dating Audit may be a program to support you in calling in aligned partnership by clearing out what is energetically blocking you from “the one.”