Most people think secure attachment is something you either have or don’t have — as if it’s a static label based on your past. But in truth?

Secure attachment is something we co-create.

You are not defined by this illusive attachment style from your childhood.

It’s not about being “perfectly healed” before loving another. It’s about becoming present to your body, your beliefs, and your relationship with the divine while you’re in the dance of connection. It’s about holding space — for your own needs, for another’s experience, and for the mystery in between.

In my work, I’ve come to see three powerful parts of secure attachment:

✨ The Self • the root chakra • the mind
✨ The Divine (or something greater) • the crown chakra • the spirit
✨ The Other (relationships) • the heart chakra • the body

When all three are in healthy connection, we feel safe, grounded, and open in love. But when one is out of sync? Love can feel fragile, confusing, or hard to trust. Often times, we judge our attachment styles. The moment we begin shaming ourselves, is the moment we block our healing.

Setting the Foundation for Healthy Attachment Exploration

We don’t want to block our attachment style healing. Thus, it is critical we explore attachment styles through a lens of compassion. Your attachment wounds want your love not your criticism. Why? Because your attachment styles have attached to your inner child and would you ever want to criticize your inner child? Don’t you want to love and hold them? (ps. access the free inner child meditation here)

Therefore, approach your attachment like you are speaking to the younger you. You get to nurture that version of you. You choose to honor them. So:

First, notice the discomfort that arrises in your anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment presentations. Notice and name the desire to cling, run away, numb, hide, scream, fight, explode, suppress, withdraw, silence. Name it to release its power over you.
Secondly, approach your rigidity with the softness your inner child (often) needs.
Finally, reminder: you don’t have to make it harder on yourself by challenging the instant desire of your attachment style. For example, if you’re wanting:
- Reassurance (anxious presentation): When wanting clarity and closeness through reassurance, ask yourself how you can reassure yourself through self-presence, self-attunement, coming back to the body and the senses, using nature and breath. If you feel your inner child needs to build trust within relationship, ask the person with you if they could support you in coming back to more trust with a co-created plan.
- Withdrawal (avoidant attachment): When wanting isolation due to overwhelm, ask yourself how you can create 10% more comfort in the current environment. If the environment doesn’t feel safe, ask how you can give your inner child more comfort. Hum, sway, move your body, slow down your exhales. Calm your nervous system (gain amazing tools in this 6 week course) and when in doubt, ask for 10 minutes to yourself before coming back to the conversation — using your autonomy and discernment for your inner child.

Let’s explore what each part holds — and how to deepen your connection to them.

1. The Self — Your Inner Root System

This is your foundation. Before you can securely attach to another, you must be able to come home to yourself — especially in moments of fear, conflict, or longing. Security in self will result in a detachment from outcome and a willingness to surrender. Security, first, isn’t sought after out of void and lack. Security comes from within your whole-self. You are already whole and lack nothing. Thus, stop looking outside of yourself for external comforts and begin resourcing within. The more you see how incredible you are, and your life already is, the less pressure you put on a relationship to provide to you. Healthy relationship is built on a foundation of two healthy humans that see themselves in truth – as they are: whole, already. How magical.

Secure attachment to self says: “I can hold my pain and still choose connection.”

But many of us weren’t taught how. We learned to chase love by abandoning ourselves, or to protect our hearts by shutting down.

Journal prompts:

Where in my life do I feel unsafe or uncertain in myself?
What part of me still believes I have to earn love to be worthy?

2. The Divine — Your Spiritual Anchor

Whether you call it God, Source, Love, or something unnamed — we all carry a need to feel tethered to something larger. A reminder that we’re not alone, not broken, and not too much. When one remembers their wholeness inside, they must also see connection to their vast-nature. One must ask. What is my purpose? What is my role to serve humanity? What am I here to learn this time? What inspires me to evolve? What ignites me toward growth? What makes me feel alive? This connection to the larger whole expands us. It allows us to root into the larger picture and allievates pressure on the relationship to provide the sole purpose. In the divine, one can already feel held fully.

When you’re spiritually anchored, you remember: “I am already whole. I am already love.”

This helps you stop outsourcing your worth to your partner’s mood, your past mistakes, or future guarantees.

Journal prompts:

What helps me remember I am already whole?
When do I feel most connected to something bigger than me?

3. The Other — The Practice of Vulnerability

Here’s the truth: healing attachment isn’t just internal. It happens in relationship. With real people. With their own fears, wounds, and longings. True intimacy requires courage. Not the absence of fear, but the willingness to stay open even when afraid. Secure attachment is possible. Once one comes home to a secure base in the true self, expands into their innate connection to the divine within and around them, they have access to the most potent human experience – securely attached love with another. There is no greater gift in this world than sacred relationship. Reminder that this co-created secure attachment asks both souls to bear witness, to unravel their protectors, and to free fall into sweet surrender. with love.

Secure attachment with the other says: “We can meet each other’s humanity and still choose love.”

This includes the practice of co-regulation, repair, and honest emotional presence.

Journal prompts:

What fears do I carry about being fully seen or emotionally dependent on someone else?
Where have I mistaken protection for disconnection?
What would co-regulation feel like if I believed it was safe to receive it?

🌿 Embodiment Practice: Breath for Safety + Integration

Use this daily, especially in moments of disconnection or overwhelm.

Inhale: “I am here in my body.”
Exhale: “I am safe, now.”
Inhale: “I hold my fear lovingly.”
Exhale: “I release insecurity rooted in my past from my cells, now.”
Inhale: “I am deserving of my innate love, safety, and belonging.”
Exhale: “I allow myself to stop seeking security outside of myself.”

Let each breath soften your system. Come back to yourself. You’re not broken — you’re building something sacred.

💬 In Relationship, Not Perfection

Remember: you don’t need to be perfectly healed before you can love or be loved. Secure attachment isn’t about avoiding conflict or never being triggered. It’s about cultivating a resilient foundation — one where safety is shared, divinity is remembered, and love can be chosen again and again.

If you want to learn more about attachment, consider buying the book Attached by Amir Levine.

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